Fearless Guides eZine

Ideas, Inspiration, and Practices for living joyously in a fear-based world.

Living Without Rules

What rules have you written for yourself and your behavior? Do you have certain rules that you must follow in order to consider yourself a "good" person or "worthy" or "lovable"?

These are tough questions, for most of us have unquestioningly adopted our rules for living from our parents, teachers, and other authority figures that have come into our lives. So, most of our rules for living are invisible to us until we break one.

What happens when we break one of our own rules? A core of shame is triggered and we go on a self-loathing rampage. We treat ourselves worse than we would treat our worst enemy. And if feels "right" and "rational". But it is just harmful social conditioning and it doesn't serve us.

One of my individual coaching clients bumped into this recently. She had a weekend when she went on a rampage of misery and self-loathing in response to an action that she took regarding a relationship that had ended months ago. Together, we uncovered several of her rules for living. They include: "Never, ever hurt anyone." and "Put other people's needs before your own." and "You must always act as a wise spiritual being."

Do you see any problems with these rules? Well, they are absolutely impossible to follow. The only way that you are never going to hurt anyone is to go away and live in a cave. As far as putting other people's needs in front of your own - this violates a universal spiritual law that guides us to seek our own happiness and bliss. My client learned this from her mother who tended to everyone's needs in lieu of her own. As children, our most powerful teachers are our role models and we learn to do as they do, not as they say.

As far as always acting wisely, this is impossible too. If we want to grow and evolve, then we must do new things, take chances, and make mistakes. This is how we learn wisdom.

So, am I saying that the best way to live is without rules? Yes! Rules are inherently rigid and self-righteous. The encompass a littany of "shoulds" and if you have read Brain Flip, then you know the importance of not shoulding on yourself.

A far better approach is to live by your values, guided by your purpose. If you value "connection" and you take an action that leads to separation, you will feel it and know it. Then you can ask yourself, "What is bothering me?" Your heart and gut will tell you that you have gotten off your chosen path and you can gently guide yourself back. You can remind yourself that this is a spiritual process and developing wisdom takes time and practice.

Cure for Fear: Uncovering Your Rules

In order to uncover your rules for living, pay attention to your feelings. When do you feel shame and self-hatred? These feelings are painful and sharp. They are not your everyday blues. When do you beat yourself up? Start paying attention.

These feelings are going to be ones that your really want to stuff down deep or numb. So, you also need to pay attention to times that you engage in compulsive behavior. This is behavior that drives you versus you being in control of your behavior. It could be drinking, over eating, shopping, working. Anything that you use as a way to escape your feelings and present reality.

Here is a 5 step process for freeing yourself from rules:

1. Notice when you feel shame, self-loathing, or start to beat yourself up. Be gentle and loving with yourself. It may help to picture yourself as a baby or child and imagine yourself holding, rocking, and comforting this small being.

2. Ask yourself what rule you have violated.

3. Explore where you picked up this rule. Was if from your mother, father, teacher, boss, or other authority figure?

4. Ask yourself how this rule affects your life? Does it limit you? Do you avoid certain situations? What does this rule do to your energy level?

5. Choose a value that you would like to replace this rule with. For example, "I am never allowed to be angry" can be replaced with "peace". Take your rule, write it on a piece of paper, and either tear it up or burn it and discard of it. Now, write an affirmation that helps you envision yourself living a peaceful life. "I am centered in love and peace. I bring peace to my world and those around me."

If you find that you have a tough time uncovering and eliminating your rules for living, perhaps individual coaching will help to set you free. Choose a free coaching consultation with me. Just call me at (828) 329-5138 or email me: Debra@fearlessguides.com.

Inspirations for April

Here are some quotes that inspire me to be my best self:

“I can change. I can live out my imagination instead of my memory. I can tie myself to my limitless potential instead of my limiting past.”

-- Stephen Covey

“Change. It has the power to uplift, to heal, to stimulate, surprise, open new doors, bring fresh experience and create excitement in life. Certainly it is worth the risk.”

-- Leo Buscaglia

"There are only two ways to live your life: One is as though nothing is a miracle, The other is as though everything is a miracle. I believe in the latter."

-- Albert Einstein

Go forth and prosper!,

Debra Thorsen

Personal and Professional Coach

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